WHAT GOD MEANS TO ME
Fear feeds on the need to survive. If the self still fears for its very own survival then it will fight for the survival of the religion it is attached to.
Before I go any further, I want to be clear about my language. I use the word God, but not as a religious label. It is not tied to doctrine, institution, or belief. I am writing from my personal experiences over the years, and I am writing this now because of the state of the world, and the way religious identity is being used to divide, justify violence, and provoke fear. When fear of self annihilation is mistaken for devotion, even martyrdom becomes distorted, not as surrender to God, but as the ego trying to control the ending, the death of itself, by turning belief into a transaction that promises something in return, salvation, reward, recognition, or moral superiority. What I am pointing to existed long before religion and will remain long after it.
My first awakening happened over twenty years ago. I had no spiritual framework, no religious education, no concepts to lean on. My consciousness left my body and I heard a quiet, precise voice whisper, “You are immortal.” That moment rearranged my reality. It did not make me religious or give me beliefs. It gave me a knowing deeper than thought, that life is far more than we imagine.
That same voice guided me into healing and horse whispering, not as a philosophy, but as a lived path. Over years with horses, I witnessed countless moments of emotional, psychological, and physical healing. During this time, God revealed to me what love actually is. Not sentiment. Not morality. A living force. An organising intelligence capable of softening trauma, realigning bodies, and dissolving fear. Love was revealed first, before anything was ever asked of me.
Only then did God ask for surrender.
That surrender came as a life altering sea baptism. I walked into the ocean and gave my life to what had been revealed. What followed was not peace or bliss, but an 8 year dismantling that is still ongoing. God orchestrated my life so I relived it in reverse, unwinding identity in the opposite order to how it formed. Every fear, every strategy, every layer of survival rose to be met and dismantled.
Daily. Quietly. Relentlessly.
There were no shortcuts. No bypassing. No quick fixes. Awakening did not dissolve trauma. Presence did not override the nervous system. God did not rescue me from my humanity. God asked me to inhabit it fully.
This is where religion fails when it is not lived deeply. God’s work is not about creating better believers. It is about dismantling the fear of survival the ego is built on. As that fear loosens, the idea of not existing any longer arises. The body stops bracing. The mind stops defending. When nothing inside feels it must survive, nothing needs to be protected, not identity, belief, or religion.
Religion becomes violent when the self remains intact. The ego needs a side, enemies, righteousness. It needs God to belong to it. But the God that exists in me, doesn’t belong to me and it does not belong to anyone.
Love does not change because it is named differently. God does not feel Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, or spiritual. Love is love. And when it truly dismantles the self, there is no one left to fight for it.
Many true mystics across traditions were silenced, exiled, or killed. That alone tells you something. Truth does not reinforce identity. It dissolves it.
Until the self is dismantled by God, no religion is right. When it is, love remains, and nothing else is needed.
This was the order of my personal journey, I have also researched and given a reference to this order for each religion:
1. The Awakening
2. Healing is demonstrated outwardly
3. Love is revealed
4. Surrender is initiated without the ego understanding the cost
5. The Dismantling of the ego
CHRISTIANITY
The Awakening
A sudden calling or revelation. Paul’s encounter on the road to Damascus is archetypal. Identity is interrupted before belief forms.
Healing Shown Outwardly
Healing flows through Jesus and later disciples as evidence of alignment, not as proof of righteousness.
Love Revealed
“God is love” becomes experiential, not doctrinal. Love is known before obedience is demanded.
Surrender Initiated
“Follow me.” The ego thinks it is choosing devotion, not realising it is stepping toward death of self.
The Dismantling
The Cross. The Dark Night. God strips identity, certainty, and self-reliance. The ego fights, then breaks.
ISLAM (Sufism)
The Awakening
Hidāyah, divine guidance that turns the heart before the mind understands.
Healing Shown Outwardly
Barakah flows through presence, prayer, and remembrance as a sign of nearness.
Love Revealed
Ishq, divine love, known intimately before annihilation begins.
Surrender Initiated
Islam itself means surrender, but the ego believes it is submitting behaviour, not identity.
The Dismantling
Tazkiyah and fanāʾ. The nafs resists annihilation. Fear and survival structures collapse.
JUDAISM (Mystical)
The Awakening
Teshuvah, an inner turning initiated by God.
Healing Shown Outwardly
Tikkun begins externally before the self understands the cost.
Love Revealed
Ahavah, intimacy with God, felt as closeness and care.
Surrender Initiated
Bitul, self-nullification begins quietly. The ego thinks it is serving.
The Dismantling
Breaking of the vessels. Identity structures fracture under divine light.
HINDUISM
The Awakening
Recognition that the ego is not the Self.
Healing Shown Outwardly
Shakti moves through the body, dissolving blocks and restoring flow.
Love Revealed
Prema, divine love, experienced before renunciation.
Surrender Initiated
Bhakti devotion begins while the ego believes it remains intact.
The Dismantling
Karma burns. Identity dissolves. Fear fights to survive.
BUDDHISM
The Awakening
Insight into impermanence and no-self arises.
Healing Shown Outwardly
Reduction of suffering appears in behavior and presence.
Love Revealed
Metta arises naturally, not cultivated as virtue.
Surrender Initiated
Letting go begins before the mind grasps where it leads.
The Dismantling
Attachment collapses. The ego resists non-existence.
What this order reveals is simple and uncompromising. The awakening comes first, questioning reality and opens the system beyond fear and identity. This is followed by outward healing, not as spectacle, but to establish safety and trust at a level deeper than belief. From that ground, love is revealed, not as sentiment, but as a living force that can be relied upon. Only then does surrender begin, guided rather than consciously chosen. The ego does not realise what it is consenting to, right up until the moment it has to. After surrender, dismantling truly starts. This is where the process becomes unnerving, brutal, and at times frightening, as familiar structures collapse and survival fights to reassert itself. It is the earlier revelation of love that holds you through this stage. The resistance that arises is not failure, it is evidence that something real is happening. This sequence appears everywhere, across traditions and cultures, dressed in different symbols but driven by the same intelligence.
So my question to you is:
‘Are you fighting for your religion and your God or are you fighting for your own sense of self and survival?’
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